Honoring the Elders

I last posted a blog almost 4 years ago.  At that time, I was seeing 8 to 10 clients a week, writing almost every day and enjoying my husband, my house and my 15 pound Havenese.  All of this suddenly changed when it became clear that my husband's parents, Mike and Lee Loewen, needed more help than was available to them in Harrison, AR and we moved them in with us.

Care for elderly parents, especially in one's home, is far more difficult than I could ever have imagined.  Mike had fairly advanced Parkinson's Disease which included difficulties with balance and mobility and Lee's dementia made many tasks very difficult for her.  Living alone was no longer an option for them, but living without their own home, their own car and the friends and church that they were used to was very difficult for them. When their frustration blew up into anger it tended to spew toward me - the one who was home with them.  As they declined and I became weary of the extra work, we hired more and more help which eased some of my physical stress but added extra people and extra chaos to our already invaded home.  I felt exhausted and battle-weary with every nerve in my body crying out for solitude and deep rest.

Lee slowly declined and passed away on hospice in our home on October, 14, 2011.  Mike, lonely and lost without his wife of 64 years lived on for another 7 months until he also passed away on May 18, 2012. 

After living under these trying circumstances for almost three years and then losing two parents in seven months, my husband and I struggled to recover our lives, move through our grief and make sense of our shock.  We took a couple of nice trips, held each other and spent a lot of time asking the Universe for help in our recovery process.  Then, in October of 2012, only 5 months after Mike's passing, my mother became ill and again needed more care than we could provide long distance.

On December 11, 2012 we moved my mother in and again began the journey of in-home elder care.  This time things moved much more quickly and Anna E Perkins, passed away in a hospital bed in our living room on January 15, 2013.

For the last 3 1/2 years, I have not blogged, I have not written, I have not gone to yoga, I have not had my own space or much of my own time.  For the last 3 1/2 years I have been present for and honored three dear elders as they passed to the other side.  I have cried with grief, I have cried with frustration.  I have begged God to help them die more quickly; I have begged God to help them stay longer.  It was the hardest thing that I have ever done; it was the sweetest thing that I have ever done.

I am recovering.  I am working again, I am writing again, and I am beginning to feel normal once more.  I am still trying to process the last 3 1/2 years and make sense of all that has changed for us.  Besides the obvious changes of losing three parents in 15 months, my husband and I are deeply and dramatically forever changed.  The process of stretching ourselves in order to help others in such an intimate way changed us on every level - we are emotionally stronger, mentally more flexible and spiritually more stable.  I feel so blessed and honored that each of them trusted us and our home as a safe place to come at such a vulnerable time.  I feel humbled that my husband and I are now the elders of our families and I pray for help in taking their places as the wise ones.

My mentor and friend, Lee Kaiser, once said that when we pray for patience God responds by sending us many difficult people and difficult situations so that we might have the opportunity to learn patience.  Then we respond by complaining.  I have to admit that the last 3-plus years gave me a lot of opportunities to grow in patience, kindness and compassion.  I also have to admit that I did a fair amount of complaining.  I was not perfect as I moved through this time, but I have grown and for that I am deeply grateful.